Revision: English 1C: Critical Thinking (7 – 7 1/2 pages)

Please use the essay in the attachment to make revisions.


Needs to include one more academic source (so 4 academic sources in total, so just a bit more research) (sorry for not mentioning this earlier)

My teacher does not want paraphrasing (again sorry). He wants us to incorporate quotes only and analyze them in detail (Maybe how it relates to other things).

And also introduce quotes.

(In Nietzsche’s essay, he discusses “…“)

In (full name)’s study of … when he did … he explains “…” ().


Good introduction

Teacher does not want sentences like “in the case of this essay” or “… is suitable for the essay”

Teacher asks to give a brief context background of Nietzsche’s essay and relate it to how immigrants or cultures can be seen in the context of Nietzsche’s story

For thesis, exclude the first part “However, the main aim is not to show that …:”

Thesis needs to be more COMPLEX and well developed. (maybe show a relation.)

It could be “Immigrants are affected by the foreign culture once they land in another country due to … (topic)”

Or “Immigration being affected by a foreign culture (can be seen as / relate to ) Nietzsche’s interpretation of … ,where…”

Just to clarify: No quotes are needed in the intro

2nd Paragraph:

I get that it’s like a context paragraph. But please use a quote from Nietzsche or an academic source, and analyze it in detail to turn it into a well developed body paragraph.

(look at my advice on paragraph 3 before doing this)

3rd Paragraph:

My teacher’s take on elaborating on quotes and analysis. Don’t assume the reader will understand what the quote(and the analysis) is saying. Explain it your own words what the quote means in this context (or maybe another context) After the quote, you can say like, “in this context this means” or “Nietzsche’s interpretation on… shows that”

For the analysis part, the ideas were really interesting but there were some parts that needs more clarification and expanding.

For “There is a need to know that there is no evil of …” please clarify on that sentence

For “One of the best lessons which can be learned… “ please explain a bit more on that idea

(how do the U.S. citizens influence the immigrants to adapt to their culture) or (why do they tend to keep their own culture?)

4th Paragraph:

Topic Sentence:

Be more specific instead of saying “there is a value”

Please make only the first sentence a complex, and declarative statement about the rest of the paragraph. Exclude “there is a need to look at…” or “without looking much into”

I see that the 1st and 2nd sentences are the topics sentences, but please make it into one.

For “There are different reasons like fitting in…” sentence a little awkward, a bit confusing

Please explain what Nietzsche’s quote by itself first. I see your analysis of globalization is very well put in the context of Nietzsche’s quote(keep that part). But please interpret Nietzsche’s quote by itself immediately after the quote and then go into globalization.

5th Paragraph:

My teacher puts a lot of emphasis onto topic sentences. It needs to be declarative, precise, and give a solid statement of what the rest of the paragraph is talking about. Slavery could be introduced later on in the in the paragraph. I wouldn’t include the slavery part in the topic sentence.

Again, no paraphrasing please. Introduce a quote thoroughly from Moran and interpret it first and then relate it to the topic. The interpretation of the paraphrase was really good.

Also the interpretation of Nietzsche’s quote was very good. Every quote should be analyzed like that.

6th Paragraph:

For “Research shows that…” which researcher? And please do not include a quote or paraphrase in the topic sentence.

Please properly introduce the quote “language as we saw…”  and interpret give it some context before going into the tree analogy. The tree analogy was really good by the way.

7th Paragraph:

Please incorporate a quote into the paragraph.

The requirement says to have at least one quote in each body paragraph.

Maybe you can use the source where you got the info for “For example, when some of the children from the Hispanic origin…”

Introduce quote

The analysis portion was really good, seriously

8th Paragraph:

Nice topic sentence

Do not use the word “you” (I fixed it)

Although you did analyze a lot of points before the Nietzsche quote. There needs to be more analysis after the quote as well. At least 3 sentences. Please 🙂

9th Paragraph:

No paraphrasing please. Please use quote from Huntington.

For “However, when a person drops the original culture and picks the foreign culture, he or she is seen as a slave.” how? I don’t’ get it and it’s shocking. Please rewrite that part in another way.

Introduce nietzsche’s quote

The analysis needs work. (Nietzsche describes metaphors as being used to form concepts that allows humans to learn or understand the world from their perspective)


Does not need to include quote

Please elaborate just a little bit on how “Doing so is close to impossible”

Essay: In general, please be specific as possible. If you’re making a general statement please elaborate to the reader.

Final Note: I have to turn in the final draft of this essay on 8/3/17 Thursday 10:30am. Please have the essay for me at 10:00am as the absolute latest time. Taking consideration of the limited amount of time (less than 12 hrs) and things I wrote above, I’m willing to pay $25 for the revision for this essay. But please do a good job 🙂 I really appreciate your work and your effort. Thank you.

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