(2 separate essays edits by 2 defend tutors but all their correction need to be added to the essay)
Smarthinking Tutor Response Form
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Alexander! My name is Cecilia K. and I look forward to working with you on this Extended Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!
*Writing Strength: The idea of “tempered expectations” that you bring up towards the end of your essay is interesting. Readers might get the impression that “failure” isn’t an option if expectations are “tempered.” Reminding your readers of this idea can help them ease the anxiety they might feel when following their dreams. Good job!
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis: You may need to focus a little more closely on what the question is asking. It seems that your paper is developed around the fears and challenges of following your passion. However, the question may be asking: What dream would you follow and why? Somewhere in the opening paragraph, you might identify your dream/passion. Then, you could give three reasons why you’d follow that dream. Or, you could give three characteristics you possess that would not allow you to fail. So, for your thesis statement—somewhere near the end of the opening paragraph perhaps—you might state that you would like to develop mobile application software. Then, you could give three reasons why you would like to follow that dream or three characteristics you possess that would prevent you from failing to reach that dream. This list of “three points” could then serve as your “map” for your readers as they read.
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Content Development: Once you have your three points, you could address each one separately in the body of your paper. For each paragraph, you could:
1) Begin with a topic sentence that relates back to the first point you’ll identify in the opening paragraph.
2) Provide a specific example from your life or observations that illustrates that point.
3) Relate that specific example back to your original claim/topic sentence.
Right now, the content seems to be developed with definitions and technical language. Instead, you might draw from personal observations, experiences, and stories with which your readers could connect.
Sentence Structure: I noticed a number of sentences that could be simplified and clarified. Here is one example from your draft: “The fear of failure I and the thought that building my own application is impossible and that only professionals could possessed the right skills to polish and build a successful one has made it hard for me turn my vision into a reality.”
In the above sentence, there may be too many ideas for readers to understand. It seems that the main idea is this: The fear of failure prevented you from turning your dream into reality. However, phrases like “the thought that” and “skills to polish and build” distract from the main point. As you examine each sentence in your draft, you might ask yourself: What is the main idea I’m trying to get across? What are one subject and one verb I can use to get that idea across? For more help with simplifying sentences, here are a few links for your reference: Sentence Unity and Clarityand Wordin
Summary of Next Steps:
• Develop a thesis statement that directly answers the question and provides a map of three points.
• Develop content with specific examples.
• Simplify sentences.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Alexander. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~Cecilia K.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.
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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
What would you do if you could do anything without worry of failure
[This information in the opening paragraph may seem technical or vague to some readers. Instead, you might begin with a vivid description of your passion for computers. In this way, you could hook the reader with a striking description and then lead you’re your topic and thesis statement.] Worrying is causing a mental distress and anxiety about actual or potential problems which is a result of a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve any expected potential threats and their outcomes. Whenever there are hardships involved most people falter their footsteps and give up before reaching the end. However, some people stay strong and strive hard to see the glimpse of light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Building my own mobile application software has always been my dream. It has been a passion with me for a long time. I grew up with a passion in computers though I have never taken my passion to the next level by actual studying about software development. The world today has had an explosive growth of the mobile application market. I have always had a dream of developing a mobile application since it seemed less sophisticated.
Mobile application development is a practice that is surrounded by various challenges. [Here, you seem to be expressing some apprehension or fears. Would addressing these challenges/fears help answer the question: What would you do without fear of failure? What would you do if you didn’t have to risk failure at all?] These challenges are among of the many factors that hinder me from making my own application though I have learnt a few basics from the YouTube tutorials and software guides. A software guide makes it easy for a person to structure and develop an application without major difficulties. Many frame works have been developed for the mobile application though each framework having its own strengths and weaknesses.
I have always feared that once I started building the application I may end up looking for someone who will finish the application or that I will eventually realize that it will never work and get a one star rating in the application store. The fear of failure I and the thought that building my own application is impossible and that only professionals could possessed the right skills to polish and build a successful one has made it hard for me turn my vision into a reality.
Application development is a science that is based on trial and error. The secret to its eventual success involves tempered expectations in which if I never had to worry about the consequences of failing I would have begun already developing the application. In order to traverse a mile in developing your own mobile application one needs to have the right idea. [This previous sentence seems to “switch pronouns.” Overall, the essay is generally written in the first person (I). Then, this previous sentence refers to the second person (your) and then a third person (one needs). This kind of “switching” can cause confusion. To help your readers clearly follow the flow of your ideas, you could maintain the same pronoun throughout. In this essay, it might be appropriate to stick with the first person (I).] Coming up with a grand idea, believing in yourself is the first step in turning a vision into a reality. The rapid innovations in mobile applications led to my raised interest in learning to develop my own application. I have always thought of designing an educational mobile application as my first application to build. The many challenges involved since I have no prior programming experiences make me think I would unsuccessfully build one.
A lot of effort and time is required in learning how to code in textual programming languages. I have not learnt a lot of programming techniques due to unavailability of time which makes me think it would be unrealistic in trying to develop my own application. If I had no fear of the consequences of failing in developing the application I would take the first step.
Smarthinking Tutor Response Form
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Alexander! I am Melvin M., and I look forward to working with you on this Extended Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!
*Writing Strength:
Each of your paragraphs is focused on only one main point. For instance, your third paragraph focuses solely on what mobile application development is. When your paragraphs focus on only specific points, your essay becomes organized and easy for readers to understand. Nice work, Alexander!
Main Idea/Thesis:
Your introductory paragraph does not end with a sentence telling what you would do if you could do it without worrying. Look at the last sentence of your first paragraph:
However, some people stay strong and strive hard to see the glimpse of light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Here, you tell how people stay strong despite failures. However, this does tell what you would do if you could do it without any worries. As a result, readers might not know what you will focus on in the succeeding paragraphs of your essay. Since you mention about making a mobile application, I suggest you make this activity apparent in the last sentence of your introduction. Here is an example:
If I could do anything without worrying about failing, I would train to be a competitive swimmer because it has always been my dream to become one.
As you see, my example presents what I would do if I could do it without worrying or failing. With a sentence like this at the end of your introduction, readers will know what you would do.
Content Development:
You mention about making a mobile application throughout your essay, but you do not provide any details on what kind of application you would do. Consider this sentence:
I have always had a dream of developing a mobile application since it seemed less sophisticated.
You mention her that developing a mobile application has been a dream for you, but you do not tell what kind of application you would like to do. Because of this, readers might be left wondering about what specifically you would do if you could do it without worrying or failing. To help you with this, here are some questions:
· What kind of mobile application would you like to do?
· What made you want to create this kind of application?
· How would you relate to the application you would do?
Answering these questions might help you provide more details on the mobile application you would create.
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
I focused on other areas in your essay since addressing issues on these areas might improve your essay. Consider checking the lesson on Commas to help you with this heading.
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:
Your essay is written in an inconsistent point of view. Look at this sentence from your fifth paragraph:
In order to traverse a mile in developing your own mobile application one needs to have the right idea.
In the introductory phrase, you use the second person because of “you” whereas in the main sentence, you use the third person because of “one.” When this happens, readers might by confused because it is not clear who your sentence points to. It is important that you write your essay in a consistent point of view to avoid puzzling readers. Since the essay is about you, you might want to consider using the first person point of view instead. Here is an example that might help you as well:
Inconsistent point of view: In order for you to live your life to the fullest, one needs to make more friends.
Consistent point of view: In order for me to live my life to the fullest, I need to make more friends.
The revised example uses the first person since what I am talking about is about me. To avoid this error in the future, consider checking the lesson on Point of View.
Summary of Next Steps:
- State what you would do if you could do it without worrying or failing at the end of your introduction.
- Provide more details on the mobile application you would work on.
- Use a consistent point of view.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Alexander. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~Melvin M.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
What would you do if you could do anything without worry of failure
Worrying is causing a mental distress and anxiety about actual or potential problems which is a result of a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve any expected potential threats and their outcomes. Whenever there are hardships involved most people falter their footsteps and give up before reaching the end. [←A comma is missing after the introductory clause in this sentence. Here is an example to help you with the placement of the comma: Whenever I feel sad, I would go to Starbucks and buy myself a cup of caramel macchiato. Following this, where do you need to place the comma in your sentence?] However, some people stay strong and strive hard to see the glimpse of light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Building my own mobile application software has always been my dream. It has been a passion with me for a long time. [Which moment in your life particularly sparked your interest towards mobile application development? Providing more details might help readers understand your desire for this field.] I grew up with a passion in computers though I have never taken my passion to the next level by actual studying about software development. The world today has had an explosive growth of the mobile application market. I have always had a dream of developing a mobile application since it seemed less sophisticated.
Mobile application development is a practice that is surrounded by various challenges. These challenges are among of the many factors that hinder me from making my own application though I have learnt a few basics from the YouTube tutorials and software guides. [What are the challenges that surround mobile application development? Make sure that you provide specific details so that readers will know why you want to do mobile application development without worrying or failing.] A software guide makes it easy for a person to structure and develop an application without major difficulties. Many frame works have been developed for the mobile application though each framework having its own strengths and weaknesses.
I have always feared that once I started building the application I may end up looking for someone who will finish the application or that I will eventually realize that it will never work and get a one star rating in the application store. The fear of failure I and the thought that building my own application is impossible and that only professionals could possessed the right skills to polish and build a successful one has made it hard for me turn my vision into a reality.
Application development is a science that is based on trial and error. The secret to its eventual success involves tempered expectations in which if I never had to worry about the consequences of failing I would have begun already developing the application. In order to traverse a mile in developing your own mobile application one needs to have the right idea. Coming up with a grand idea, believing in yourself is the first step in turning a vision into a reality. The rapid innovations in mobile applications led to my raised interest in learning to develop my own application. I have always thought of designing an educational mobile application as my first application to build. The many challenges involved since I have no prior programming experiences make me think I would unsuccessfully build one.
A lot of effort and time is required in learning how to code in textual programming languages. I have not learnt a lot of programming techniques due to unavailability of time which makes me think it would be unrealistic in trying to develop my own application. If I had no fear of the consequences of failing in developing the application I would take the first step.
